matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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