Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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