you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
