When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
