She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
