I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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