Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
