my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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