How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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