whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
