I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
