I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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