why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
