his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
