I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
