His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
