If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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