If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
