My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
