You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
