I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
