I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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