Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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