I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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