My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
