She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
