so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
