Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
