I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
