I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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