Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
