literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
