dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
