if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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