There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
