I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
