Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
