I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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