OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
