if i can run in heels then i can drive
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
honey bunches of taint.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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