Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
