We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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