Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
