If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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