He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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