Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you never un-have a 4some
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
