im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
