dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
