i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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