If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
